Step 9: Making Amends Without Losing Your Sanity (Or Your Sense of Humor)

Ah, Step 9. Here we go again! After navigating the emotional boot camp of Step 8—where we listed all the people we’ve harmed (and realized that list could rival the Yellow Pages)—we’re now at the step where we take action. Time to step up, make amends, and maybe, just maybe, lighten the load a bit. But let’s not forget the golden rule of Step 9: we only make amends when it’s safe and won’t cause harm to the other person (or ourselves!). No need to create more chaos in the name of healing, right?

Wait… I’m Not the Addict—Why Do “I” Have to Make Amends?

I know what you’re thinking because, trust me, I again thought it too: “I’m not the one with the addiction, so why am I the one making amends?” It can feel a bit like you’re getting the short end of the stick, like they should be the ones going around with a giant apology megaphone.

But here’s the thing, while we didn’t cause their addiction, we’ve been living in the aftermath of it, and chances are, we’ve done some damage along the way too. (we figured this out in Step 8) Maybe we’ve been controlling, trying to manage every aspect of their recovery (or lack thereof). Maybe we’ve lashed out in anger or withdrawn in resentment. Making amends isn’t about taking the blame for their actions; it’s about owning up to how we’ve responded to the madness and taking steps to heal ourselves and those relationships that got caught in the crossfire.

Safety First! When NOT to Make Amends

Before we dive into the messy beauty of apologies, let’s pause for a second. Step 9 has a big, flashing neon sign attached to it that says, “ONLY when it’s safe.” This isn’t the step where you bare your soul to someone who isn’t ready to hear it, would hold it against you, judge you for what you or your partner is going through or worse, where you re-open old wounds just to check a box.

Sometimes, making amends can stir up more pain or cause harm, so if reaching out to someone might hurt them—or you—don’t do it. Some amends are best made in your heart, through living out new behaviors, and letting time do its healing thing. The goal here is healing, not stirring up more drama. So, what do you do if it’s not safe? Write a letter that is never sent or send them love from afar and keep moving forward.

The Road to Making Amends: No Capes Allowed

Here’s the thing about Step 9: we’re not donning superhero capes this time around, we had to hang those up in Step 8. There’s no grand rescue mission, no sweeping gestures to fix everything in one fell swoop. Real amends aren’t about looking for a quick fix; they’re about showing up, being real, and acknowledging our part in the mess.

Maybe you’ve been the fixer, swooping in to manage your partner’s recovery and everyone else’s emotions. Maybe you’ve been so deep in chaos that you forgot to take care of yourself. Step 9 isn’t about a magical apology that makes all the pain disappear, it’s about being honest, genuine, and, most of all, patient. Some wounds take time to heal, and that’s okay.

The Freedom (and Fun) of Letting Go

Now, I know “fun” and “making amends” don’t usually go hand-in-hand but hear me out. There’s something weirdly liberating about this step. You’re no longer carrying around the emotional baggage that’s been dragging you down. You’re finally free from playing detective, judge, jury, and (let’s be real) executioner. And guess what? The world keeps spinning, even if you’re not trying to control every little thing.

There’s a quiet joy that comes from admitting, “I messed up too, and I’m ready to make it right.” It’s not about groveling, it’s about healing. It’s about showing up, being real, and knowing that while you’re not perfect, you’re making progress. And let’s be honest: progress is worth celebrating!

The Awkward (But Beautiful) Art of Apologizing

Making amends is awkward. There’s no way around it. It’s like trying to do the cha-cha in a crowded room where no one knows the steps. But that’s the thing—it’s beautifully awkward. It’s real. It’s human. And it’s one of the most courageous things you’ll ever do.

You’re going to trip over your words. You’re going to feel vulnerable. But that’s the magic of it. In that vulnerability, healing happens. You’re not aiming for perfection; you’re aiming for connection. And let’s face it, you’ll probably laugh about it later. “Remember when I tried to make amends and totally fumbled through it?” Yeah, we’ve all been there. But the important part is that you showed up.

Who’s on My Amends List? (Hint: It’s Not Just Them!)

When you sit down to make your amends list, don’t be surprised if a few unexpected names pop up. Your partner might be the obvious one, but what about family members who were caught in the fallout? Friends you pushed away because you were too ashamed or too consumed with the drama? And don’t forget the most important person on the list: yourself.

Yep, you’ve been through a lot, and it’s time to give yourself some grace. You’ve probably hurt yourself in ways you didn’t even realize—by neglecting your needs, staying in unhealthy patterns, or trying to be everything to everyone. Making amends to yourself means recognizing that you deserve healing too.

Moving Forward: With Hope, Healing, and Maybe a Little Laughter

So, what happens after you make amends? Do birds sing and flowers bloom? Maybe not, but you know what does happen? You get peace. You get freedom from the guilt and resentment that’s been clouding your mind. And best of all? You get to move forward, hand in hand with hope, knowing that you’re showing up as the best, most authentic version of yourself.

So here’s to Step 9—to making amends safely, lovingly, and without trying to fix everything at once. Here’s to healing old wounds, repairing broken connections, and maybe even laughing at ourselves a little along the way. And here’s to realizing that we don’t have to be superheroes anymore.

Hang up that cape? Already done. You’ve realized it’s not your job to save the day anymore, and you’re embracing that freedom. And remember, even when you’re not “saving the day,” everything’s going to be okay.

So take a deep breath, my friend. You’ve got this and it’s a beautiful thing