From Dumpster Fires to Fireworks: Healing, Hope, and Moving Forward Together
So here we are, 18+ years of marriage… and what a wild ride it’s been! I’m talking about 16 of those years knowing—with receipts—that my partner was cheating. Long-term affairs, inappropriate photos, chat logs that made me want to chuck my phone into a volcano—it was all there. If you’ve been through it, you know the emotional rollercoaster I’m talking about. And if you haven’t… bless your soul!
Why Didn’t I Just Leave?
Ah, the million-dollar question! Why didn’t I pull a Beyoncé, pack my bags, and bounce? Well, for a few reasons:
He’s not just my partner; he’s my best friend. That person who can make me laugh until I snort, who knows all my quirks, and yet also caused my heart to break into a million tiny pieces. Life’s complicated, right?
About six months into his, uh, “extracurricular activities,” my Higher Power gave me a good ol' smack with the cosmic 2x4. “Hey, dummy, he’s a sex addict!” And I was like, “Wait… what?” It hit me hard. Given my family’s alphabet soup of addictions, you’d think I’d have seen it sooner, but denial is one heck of a blindfold.
With those two things said, I wanted to make sure that my best friend stayed in this world. And yeah.. maybe in a twisted way I could fix him, (enter the whole super hero cape thing that came to the forefront in working my step 8).
Did It Hurt? Oh, You Bet It Did!
Let me tell you, it hurt like hell. Not the kind of hurt where you stub your toe and get over it 5 minutes later. No, this was soul-crushing, earth-shattering, life-flashing-before-your-eyes pain. My already low self-esteem plummeted to new, unprecedented depths—we’re talking full-on dumpster fire levels. Any remnants of self-worth I had were reduced to ash. I was basically walking around with the confidence of a burnt marshmallow.
But that wasn’t even the worst part. Watching someone you love go down the path of self-destruction? That’s a whole new kind of agony. It felt like I was waiting for him to hit rock bottom—like I was bracing for him to “overdose” on his addiction and lose him forever. And yeah, that thought actually crossed my mind because he was doing things that could’ve jeopardized his life. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve been there, you get it.
Did I Want the Pain? Absolutely Not.
Of course not! No one in their right mind wants this kind of pain. You’d think after all the betrayals, I’d have bolted. But here’s the thing—when you love someone, it’s not as simple as walking away. You don’t want the pain, but sometimes you think, maybe I deserve it. Or worse, you believe you can “fix” them. And yeah, sometimes I thought I deserved the pain, in a really messed-up, I-need-therapy kind of way. (And spoiler alert: I did and still need therapy.)
Why Did I Finally Stand My Ground?
Well, funny you should ask. It wasn’t some grand, dramatic revelation—it was a me thing. I had a health scare (because life wasn’t chaotic enough, apparently), and it made me realize something pretty important: I didn’t want to live with him being that way anymore. I had spent years waiting for him to change, but my wake-up call was realizing I had to change, too. I didn’t want to lose my best friend, but I couldn’t continue living in that constant state of betrayal and hurt either. It was time to draw the line.
The Journey of Recovery: His, Mine, and Ours
Here’s the thing nobody tells you: recovery is weird. And it’s not just his recovery, it’s OURS. Yup, you heard me right. I have had my own recovery journey to go on, even though I wasn’t the one with the addiction. And that was probably one of the weirdest revelations to swallow. Like, wait… I'm not the addict! Why do I have to recover? But when you live with constant betrayal, deceit, and pain, you get hurt, too.
My journey of healing started when I began to love myself again, building up my self-worth from the ashes, and setting boundaries like I’ve never set before. Meanwhile, he is on his path—working through the layers of his addiction, getting help, owning his mistakes, and (finally!) learning to be honest with himself and with me. There are a lot of bumps along the way. (Spoiler alert: Recovery is not a straight line. It’s more like a rollercoaster that flips you upside down when you least expect it. Yeah, yeah, is it obvious I have a thing about rollercoasters??)
But little by little, step by painful step, we started moving forward. He is having to face his demons, and I am facing mine. And as tough as it was in the beginning, something beautiful started to grow out of the wreckage… a relationship that was healthier, more honest, and way stronger than it had ever been before.
Finding Hope (And a Little Humor) in the Healing Process
Now, here’s where things take a hopeful turn, because yes, there is hope. When I finally stood my ground, something magical happened. We started to heal. And let me tell you, healing isn’t just hard, it’s awkward and sometimes totally foreign to feel. There were a lot of “Are you seriously asking me that right now?” and “Oh, I didn’t know about that one.” moments, a lot of painful truths that had to come out on both sides, more than one uncomfortable therapy session, and a lot of deep honest talks. But it is all part of the process.
We started building something new together, and let me tell you, this version of us is way better. We’re more open with each other now, more honest. We still have our bumps, but the fact that we’re both on this journey together, working on ourselves individually and as a couple makes all the difference.
Moving Forward (And Finally Letting Go of the Dumpster Fire)
So where does that leave us now? In a much better place, honestly. We’ve still got work to do, but we’re no longer living in a state of constant chaos. The dumpster fire of self-esteem is being replaced with something better, something that looks more like fireworks. Not the dangerous, exploding-in-your-face kind, but the beautiful, celebratory kind.
Recovery isn’t easy—for him or for me—but it’s worth it. We’re both growing, healing, and learning to love ourselves and each other in ways we didn’t know we could. A big bonus part is we are even better best friends than we ever were before.
The Best Part? There’s Hope.
If you’re reading this and feeling like there’s no way out of the pain, trust me, I get it. But there is hope. There’s healing. And there’s life beyond the chaos. Recovery, for both of you, is about more than just stopping the bad behavior. It’s about rebuilding—your self-worth, your relationship, and your future.
And one day, when that healing really starts to take root, even if you chose to do it on your own or together, the fireworks are totally worth it.
Here’s to hope, healing, and moving forward—one day at a time and having a couple cookies along the way. 💖
