Step 8: The Art of NOT Being a Superhero (And Learning to Let Go)

Well, well, well, here we are at Step 8, the part of the journey where we make a list of all the people we’ve harmed—and let’s be real, if you’ve been living in the chaos of sex addiction recovery, that list is long enough to rival Santa’s. But fear not! There’s something weirdly beautiful (and dare I say, even funny) about admitting the truth: sometimes, we’ve tried so hard to be superheroes that we accidentally made everything worse. Who knew, right?

Wait… I'm Not the Addict, So Why Do I Have to Make Amends?

Hold up a second. Step 8 asks me to make a list of everyone I have harmed? But I’m not the one with the sex addiction! My first thought was, “Why am I making a list? Shouldn’t I be at the top of their list?”

Here’s the thing though—despite all the madness I’ve been put through, I’ve done a little (unintentional) damage myself. And maybe you’re in the same boat. You see, in my quest to hold everything together, I might’ve crossed a line or two. So, yeah, even though it feels like it should be all about the addict making amends, we’ve got some cleaning up to do too.

When "Helping" Turns Into "Harmful"

I’ve got A+ intentions. I’ve got capes in every color, ready to fly in and fix everything. Need someone to solve your problems? Call me! Need me to do that thing you’re perfectly capable of doing yourself? I’m your girl! Want me to take on ALL THE THINGS, even though my body, mind, and spirit are practically begging for a vacation? Consider it done!

But here’s the harsh truth Step 8 threw at me: sometimes, my helping didn’t help at all.

Sure, I thought I was doing the right thing by swooping in to save the day, but turns out, in trying to fix everything for everyone else, I might’ve stepped on some toes. By doing for others what they could do for themselves, I wasn’t showing respect—I was kind of saying, “You can’t do this without me.”

So, who do I owe amends to? Pretty much anyone I’ve tried to ‘save’……you know, the ones I’ve micromanaged, steamrolled, or unintentionally disempowered along the way. But the biggest person on that list? Me.

The Damage of Being "Too Busy"

In my desperate quest to be everyone’s go-to rescuer, I forgot about the most important person in this whole equation: me. Oh, I’ve harmed others by being too helpful, sure. But the real kicker is that I’ve harmed myself.

My body? Burnt out. My mind? A swirling mess of everyone else’s problems. My spirit? Probably hanging out on a beach somewhere because it couldn’t keep up with my insanity.

When I do for others what they can (and should) do for themselves, I’m not helping—I’m controlling. I’m not respecting their autonomy or showing confidence in their ability to handle life. I’m just filling my calendar and then wondering why I’m exhausted. So yeah, I owe myself a pretty big amends for that one!

The "Superhero Syndrome"

Step 8 has this really annoying way of teaching us that being a superhero is overrated. Sure, it felt good to be the one everyone leaned on, but honestly? I need to retire the cape. It’s frayed, it’s faded, and frankly, it’s no longer cute.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing I can do is nothing at all. I don’t need to rescue everyone from everything. I don’t need to tackle every issue that comes my way. HP (Higher Power) is out there, and news flash: HP’s got it covered.

There’s an art to learning that some battles aren’t mine to fight. You’re not the Swiss Army knife of emotional fixes, and you don’t need to put yourself at the bottom of the list anymore. So yeah, some of the amends on my list involve staying out of things that aren’t my responsibility.

Learning to Set Boundaries (Without Guilt)

Boundaries. Ah, the word that sends shivers down the spine of every person who likes to overextend, overcommit, and overdo. Setting boundaries feels like saying, "Sorry, I can’t be your superhero today." And trust me, that stings. But you know what stings more? Running yourself ragged and realizing you weren’t helping anyway.

So, who do I need to make amends to? Well, to everyone I’ve tried to save (whether they asked me to or not), but especially to myself. Me and my poor, neglected boundaries. I’ve learned that setting boundaries doesn’t make me selfish; it makes me sane.

The Freedom in Letting Go (And Maybe a Little Sigh)

At the end of the day, Step 8 means recognizing that we’ve harmed others by trying to do too much. But here’s the silver lining: it also means we can stop. We can let go. We can sigh. A big, fat, glorious sigh.

Let HP manage the universe for a change. You can retire the cape, hang it up, and be human for a while. You’re not responsible for fixing everyone’s problems, and you don’t need to put yourself at the bottom of the list anymore. It’s time to let go, let HP take the wheel, and trust that everything will be okay without you trying to save the world.

So, here’s to making amends to others by not over-helping, and making amends to ourselves by actually helping—for once. And if all else fails, remember even superheroes need a break.

Go ahead and take yours. You’ve earned it. Sigh away, my friend… Sigh away.. a big fat healthy sigh. And maybe treat yourself to an ice cream cone.