Step 3: Wait, You Want Me to Do WHAT with My Will and Life?"
So, you’ve reached Step 3 in your journey as a partner of a sex addict. Congrats! This is the part where we make the big decision to hand over our will and our lives to the care of God—as we understand Him (or Her, or It, or the Universe, or, honestly, whatever works for you). But wait, what exactly are we handing over here? And are we sure this is a good idea? Because I don’t know about you, but I kind of like being in control of things… even if my track record suggests I might need a little help in that department.
But let’s break this down together, and maybe by the end, we’ll all feel a little better about giving up the illusion of control we cling to so desperately.
“God as We Understand Him” — Not Your Childhood God (Unless You Want It to Be)
First things first, the God we’re talking about here is not necessarily the God you grew up with. So if your childhood was filled with a lot of fire and brimstone, don’t panic. This isn’t the judging, condemning type. The key word here is caring. Whatever Higher Power you’re thinking about, they’ve got your back. They want the best for you and your recovery. If the thought of turning things over to some grumpy old dude in the sky makes you want to run, you’re free to create your own, kinder, more compassionate version. Maybe your Higher Power is more of a “Chill Friend Who Gives Great Advice” kind of vibe?
And hey, if you’re not sure what qualities to attribute to your Higher Power, maybe just stick with not a micromanager. Because no one needs that kind of stress.
“Our Will” — AKA, What We Want… But Maybe Not What We Need?
Let’s talk about will. Specifically, our will, which really just means self-will in this context. You know, that thing that usually gets us into trouble when we’re trying to run the show solo? Self-will is that voice in your head that says, “I can totally control this situation. Just let me obsess over it for a few more hours!” Spoiler alert: this never ends well. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube by throwing it against the wall—lots of action, no real progress.
What Step 3 is asking us to do is take a step back from self-will and try aligning with something a little more productive—like God’s will. Or, if you’re still on the fence about the whole God thing, think of it as your higher self, the one that’s a lot wiser and more zen than the part of you that just wants to win arguments.
“Our Lives” — The Whole Shebang
When we say "our lives," we mean everything: the ups, the downs, the awkward phases, and even the parts we’d like to forget (I’m looking at you, 2009). Basically, it’s the sum total of your experiences—your whole story. And now you’re being asked to hand that over to a caring force you may not even fully understand yet. Sounds a little daunting, right? But don’t worry. You’re not giving up ownership; you’re just letting someone else handle the management side of things for a bit. Think of it like hiring a life coach, but, you know, cosmic.
“Turn Something Over” — Wait, You Want Me to Let Go of Control?
Okay, so here’s the big ask: Step 3 wants us to turn over control of our will and our lives to this Higher Power. Basically, we’re transferring the responsibility of managing every single thing we obsess over to someone (or something) else who’s probably way better at it than we are. This includes our feelings, thoughts, decisions, and, let’s be honest, all the weird stuff we worry about when we should be sleeping.
So, what does this look like in real life? It’s simple: instead of trying to control the outcome of every situation, we ask for direction. We stop scheming about what others should be doing (you know you do it) and instead focus on what we should be doing. And then, here’s the kicker—we trust that things will work out. I know, who even does that?
Practical Tips for Turning It Over (Without Losing Your Mind)
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This sounds nice in theory, but how do I actually do this in real life? Here’s a cheat sheet to help you make Step 3 a little less intimidating and a lot more doable:
Talk to God – It doesn’t have to be fancy. Just check in. Ask what your attitude should be, what actions you need to take, and how you should think about a situation. And then, brace yourself... for actually listening.
Let go of specific results – Don’t tell your Higher Power how to do their job. You wouldn’t micromanage your therapist, would you? (Okay, maybe you would—but try not to here.)
Post it in a God Box – Got a problem that’s eating away at you? Write it down, stick it in a box, and let it be. Seriously, no peeking. It’s like a spiritual version of putting your bills on autopay.
Stop obsessing over other people – I know, easier said than done. But Step 3 is about focusing on yourself. What you think, what you do, what you feel. No more guessing what’s going on in someone else’s head. (Spoiler alert: they probably don’t know either!)
Turn it over again – If you catch yourself plotting and planning, don’t worry. Just hit the reset button and turn it over again. Rinse, repeat.
So, Why Are We Doing This Again?
At this point, you might be wondering, “What’s in it for me if I hand everything over?” Great question! The whole point is that our best attempts at controlling everything haven’t exactly worked out. (That’s why we’re here in recovery, right?) Turning things over to a Higher Power promises something better—like relief from the crushing responsibility of managing everything, a sense of peace, and maybe even a little more serenity. In short, we’re outsourcing the drama, and trust me, your Higher Power can handle it.
Final Thoughts: Trusting the Process (and Maybe Even Laughing About It)
Look, none of this is easy. Letting go of self-will can feel like prying your fingers off the handlebars of a bike going downhill. But here’s the good news—you’re not riding this thing alone. The process might be slow, and you’ll probably take your will back a few (dozen) times, but that’s okay. Step 3 is all about progress, not perfection.
So, the next time you find yourself knee-deep in trying to control everything, take a deep breath, say, “Over to You, God,” and see what happens. You might just find that when you stop micromanaging the universe, things start to fall into place.
And hey, if nothing else, at least you’re not in this alone. God’s got your back—and let’s be real, probably a better plan than whatever you were cooking up at 3 a.m. last night.
