What to Do When They're Still Lying: How to Keep Your Sanity in the Chaos

So, you’ve made it this far in the recovery process, and now you’re hitting a big ol’ brick wall: your partner is still lying or avoiding that full disclosure in therapy. Sound familiar? Yeah, welcome to the not-so-glamorous world of addiction recovery.

Let’s be real for a second—it’s frustrating as heck. You’re doing everything you can to move forward, heal, and trust again, but your partner is still stuck in their patterns. And here’s the kicker: this isn’t the real them. This is the addict talking—the part of them that’s tangled up in shame, guilt, and all the “yuck” that comes with owning up to their actions. It’s like there’s a battle going on inside them, and the side that wants to avoid the truth is winning (for now). But don’t worry, this is part of the process. They’re still at the beginning stages of recovery, and unfortunately, that means there’s a lot of stumbling along the way.

Breathe, Baby, Breathe

First things first: take a deep breath. No, seriously. I know that advice sounds as annoying as a "Hang in there!" cat poster but trust me on this one. When things feel overwhelming, you’re spinning out of control trying to figure out whether they’re telling the truth—just breathe.

Why? Because when we stop for a second to focus on our breath, we hit the pause button on the madness. It gives us a moment to stop spiraling and brings us back to ourselves. And let’s be honest, in the middle of addiction recovery, we could all use a little more of that.

“Just Be”... I Know, Annoying, Right?

Now, here’s where things get tricky. When your partner is avoiding the hard stuff—like full disclosure in therapy—it’s easy to go into overdrive: obsessing over what they’re doing, where they are, what they’re hiding, etc. But here’s my challenge for you: just be.

I know, it sounds easier said than done. But what I mean by that is to allow yourself to exist in the moment. If you’re having bad thoughts (like, “What if they’re lying about this?”), don’t push them away. Instead, sit with them. Write them down. Pour your feelings out on paper and get all the ugliness out. Then, after a day or two, revisit those thoughts with a clearer mind.

The key is to give yourself a little distance before reacting. When you’re in the thick of the insanity, it’s hard to see straight. But when you give yourself space to process, you can revisit those emotions without feeling like you’re drowning in them. It’s kind of like looking at a painting—you need to step back to appreciate the full picture.

It’s Time for Some “You Time”

Here’s a radical idea: while your partner is stuck in their process, it’s time to focus on yours. And that means self-care.

Yes, I said it. And no, it’s not selfish. In fact, it’s essential. Whether it’s going to get a pedicure, sipping on a non-caffeinated coffee (because you know your limit), or grabbing a scoop of your favorite ice cream—do something for you. Even if it’s just a few quiet moments to yourself to enjoy the little things.

This is about grounding yourself in the present. Forget about the past for a second. Don’t think about the future. Just be in the moment. You deserve to feel peace, even if it’s just for five minutes with a mint chocolate chip cone in your hand.

Be in the Moment

Let’s talk about being present. It’s easy to get lost in the “what ifs” of the past and the “what nows” of the future. But here’s a little secret: the present is where your peace is.

When you’re stuck in the cycle of wondering if they’re lying, you’re not living in the moment—you’re living in the chaos. But when you ground yourself in what’s happening right now, you give yourself the gift of freedom.

Maybe right now, you’re sitting with a cup of tea, or maybe you’re outside feeling the breeze. Wherever you are, take a second to just notice it. The feel of the cup in your hands, the sound of the birds, the warmth of the sun, whatever it is, let yourself enjoy it. Because in these small, quiet moments, you can find peace, even when everything else feels like it’s falling apart.

Conclusion: Take It One Moment at a Time

At the end of the day, your partner’s recovery is their journey. You can’t control how quickly they’ll get honest or how soon they’ll do the hard work in therapy. But you can control how you show up for yourself.

Take it one moment at a time. Breathe. Let yourself just be. And remember that while they’re dealing with their addiction, you have your own healing to focus on. So go ahead, take that break, get that ice cream, and know that you’re doing exactly what you need to do to stay sane in the middle of the madness.

You’ve got this. One scoop at a time.