Wait, Am I the Problem? When Being a Partner in Sex Addiction Recovery Starts to Hit Home
"Wait, Am I the Problem? When Being a Partner in Sex Addiction Recovery Starts to Hit Home"
So, you’re in a relationship with someone in recovery from sex addiction, and if you’re anything like I was in the beginning, you probably thought, “Me? I don’t have any problems. It’s all his fault!” Yep, been there. I mean, after all, he’s the one with the devastating addiction, right? Surely, the addict is the only one who needs fixing. But here’s the kicker—once the addict starts stabilizing in recovery, it might just be time to take a good, hard look at ourselves. Yikes!
The Sneaky Ways We "Act Out" Without Even Knowing It
Here’s the thing: addiction, in its simplest form, is using something (or someone) to medicate feelings. Sound familiar? I know, I didn’t want to admit it either. Another helpful definition is, “If the behavior doesn’t make sense but you keep doing it, it’s probably an addiction.” And guess what? A lot of us partners, in our own ways, act out too. That’s why in many 12-step recovery circles, partners of sex addicts sometimes refer to themselves as “co-sex addicts.” You may not have been acting out his addiction, but are you riding shotgun in the dysfunction-mobile? Possibly!
But wait—before you go down the rabbit hole of blaming yourself, let’s be clear. This isn't about pointing fingers at you or your partner. It’s about recognizing that in the whirlwind of addiction, both partners can develop coping mechanisms that may not be healthy. The addict is doing the hard work of facing their behaviors, and yes, it’s rough. But you, as the partner, deserve just as much compassion and understanding as they do. We’re all in this together.
You Might Be a "Co-Sex Addict" If...
Buckle up, because here are some of the fun (read: cringe-worthy) ways we, the partners, can start acting out when we’re wrapped up in the whirlwind of their recovery. No judgment, just a little reality check:
Spiritualizing the problem – “It’s all part of God’s plan!” Uh-huh. While spirituality is important, this can be an easy way to avoid the issue.
Checking up on him – “Who’s that text from?” You’re turning into Sherlock Holmes, and guess what? It’s exhausting—for both of you.
Scoping out women he might be looking at – Because if you preemptively catch him looking, somehow you’ll feel better, right? Spoiler: You won’t, and neither will he.
Looking for more proof – As if you don’t already have enough of it! Yet here you are, double-checking his phone records again. It's stressful for both sides.
Not being able to separate from him, even when it makes sense – Sometimes you just can’t quit him, even when you probably should (for a little space at least). But hey, that’s because you're holding on to hope—and that’s okay too.
Rationalizing staying together when he’s not recovering – “But we’ve made it this far!” or “He says he’s going to change... eventually.” This journey is complicated, and patience is tough. But if both of you are committed, real change can happen.
Feeling insecure around other women when you’re with him – It’s not the other women that are the problem, but boy, do they feel like it! And if he’s working on rebuilding trust, he probably feels that tension too.
Trying to think about what he “might be” thinking about – This one’s a mind-twister. Guessing someone else’s thoughts is a full-time job you didn’t ask for—and your partner doesn’t want that pressure either.
Being controlling – Because if you manage everything, surely you can prevent more pain, right? (Yeah, that never works—for either of you.)
Not having sex or being hypersexual – Swinging between “never again” or “let’s fix this with intimacy overload.” Neither is the magic cure. But healthy intimacy, when the time is right, can heal.
Pretending you’re in a perfect relationship – Cue the Instagram smiles while you’re silently screaming inside. And trust me, your partner feels that pressure too… and he’s just as scared of failure.
Changing your boundaries with your partner – You said you’d never tolerate certain things, but here we are, moving that line just a little further each time. But boundaries, for both of you, are essential for growth.
Shaming him – Passive-aggressive comments about his past mistakes? Never heard of it! (Except, we all have.) But he’s already carrying enough shame—he doesn’t need any more from you.
Rages – One minute you’re fine, and the next? You’re the Hulk. It’s a natural response to pain, but it leaves both of you bruised.
Sarcasm – Because nothing says “I’m coping” like a biting remark. But your partner, working on recovery, needs your honesty, not snark.
Hitting him – Physical lashing out doesn’t fix the emotional pain. It just complicates things (and can get you in trouble).
Fantasizing about him acting out – Sometimes your brain starts playing out worst-case scenarios. And it’s not fun—for either of you.
Using his problem to avoid dealing with your own feelings – “He’s the addict, not me!” becomes a convenient way to not look at your own stuff. But both of you need healing.
Reinforcing your fears of abandonment – You push, he pulls, and suddenly you’re in a fear-fueled dance of “Will he leave me? Should I leave him?” But in recovery, both of you are learning how to stay, one day at a time.
So, Now What?
Before you start questioning everything about yourself (and maybe heading for the nearest bottle of wine, no judgement) take a deep breath. None of this is about blame. It’s about recognizing that sometimes, we need healing too. Just like your partner is working on their recovery, you have every right to focus on your own journey of growth and healing. You’re not just a bystander in their recovery—you’re a part of this relationship too. And your well-being matters.
The good news? This is an opportunity for both of you to grow. While he’s working on himself, you get to work on you. Because believe it or not, this crazy, topsy-turvy rollercoaster of emotions isn’t just about him. It’s about learning to take care of yourself, set boundaries, and maybe even stop checking his emails 12 times a day (no promises, but we can try, right?.... see the Blog post on Pain Shopping for good tips on this).
A Note of Support for Your Partner
It’s important to remember that your partner is working hard to change. He’s facing some dark stuff, and it’s tough. Recovery isn’t easy, it takes courage, vulnerability, and patience. So, while you’re on your own journey, know that it’s okay to acknowledge and appreciate the effort your partner is putting in. He’s learning to be a better version of himself, not just for you, but for himself too.
Being supportive doesn’t mean carrying his burden. It means showing up with empathy, understanding that recovery is a process. Your partner is doing the hard work of untangling their past behaviors, and that deserves respect.
Final Thought
Remember, the goal here isn’t perfection. It’s progress. One step at a time, for both of you. And as you’re working on yourself, you might just find that you’re a lot stronger and more resilient than you ever gave yourself credit for. So, hold your head high, keep a sense of humor about it all, and remind yourself that even in the mess, there’s room for growth—and maybe even a little laughter.
And if all else fails, there’s always ice cream.
